Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
