I just pynch a tree in the face
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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