You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
