I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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