Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
