I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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