Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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