Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
