Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize