you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
