This is not my ceiling
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
