So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
