im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
