I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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