If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
