She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
