the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
