I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
