I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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