Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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