man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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