Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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