I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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