R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
