I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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