your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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