I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
