So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
