im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
