My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
