I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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