You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
