Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
