I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
