She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
