so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
