I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
