1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize