Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
