my sisters under your porch take her home
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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