She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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