dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
