M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
