Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
