her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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