Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
