I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
