My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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