what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
