My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
