No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
