This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
