Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
